Charmin Czar

Picture of the Day:

There are few things in life that I treasure; one of those is good toilet paper. Regardless of the fact we are cutting back, the good toilet paper stays. I know, in essence we're flushing good money down the drain...

There was no problem with our uses of toilet paper until recently. The other day I heard a scuffle and decided to follow the mysterious sound. There Madison was, squatting and furiously wiping the floor with an entire unwound roll of my beloved Charmin Ultra.

"I went pee-pee on the floor" she said. Then to make it all better she decided she'd better add, "I went little bit in potty." Then she grinned at me. It didn't really make everything better, but it helped.

Last week she attempted to feed the commode half a roll of toilet paper. The story goes as follows: While in the other room I heard, "Uh oh." Knowing that the phrase, "uh oh" was not something good, I ran to see what happened. The evidence, an empty cardboard tube, lay on the tile floor while my daughter stood looking over the toilet - pants down, teetering from top of her red and purple Dora stool. The story ended well; although once again, I had to climb upstairs (remember I'm still mothering a broken toe) to steal from our wholesale stash of 2-ply.

It seems like attempts to control Madison's fascination with massive amounts of toilet paper are futile. We've tried the Cottonelle special Kids paper (with the paw prints and puppies) but that seems to excite her moreso. And really, what kid needs 6 squares of toilet paper? Come on Cottonelle!

So two days ago, in my last attempt to save trees (and my only sustained luxury as a SAHM), I've started rationing squares. Yes, raise your hand up high to me - the Toilet Paper Nazi. Hail to me and make me a chair of Charmin. For now, upon the empty toilet paper holder I place 4 (count them, 1-2-3-4) sheets of TP; no more, no less. Every time Madison proudly mounts her Dora potty seat (yes, it matches perfectly with her stool), she reaches out with eager hands, rejoicing at her beloved 4 squares just prior to dismounting and doing the "pee pee dance". Mary Lou Retton would be proud.

So far, so good...right?

Well, last night Madison must have gotten up in the middle of the night to pee, because no sooner than a sliver of light broke through the blinds this morning I heard a voice from downstairs calling, "I finished! I finished! I fiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiished!" She was relentless. I stumbled downstairs (toe in tact) to commence my appointment as the Charmin Czar. All hail... *yawn* What was I saying?

Four years ago I was making major design and construction decisions on new residential projects; today I am weighing my options - contemplating whether sleep or my 2-ply is ultimately more important. And by the way...Yes, as Charmin Czar I WILL take that executive office with the view of the park and a competitive benefits package. Yes, thank you very much.